Essential News Roundup

- Defying expectations, Democrat Kathy Hochul won the special election to fill a House seat in New York state that family values Republican Chris Lee vacated when he got caught soliciting sex on craigslist just like the rest of us pleibs. The district is heavily gerrymandered to favor Republicans, but candidate Hochul hammered her opponent for supporting dreamboat Paul Ryan's plan to privatize Medicare. Who would have thought that a congressional district drawn to have lots of conservative seniors would vote to preserve health benefits for seniors?

- Indiana governor and architect of the Bush tax cuts for the rich Mitch Daniels has decided not to run for president. Following Mississippi governor Haley Barbour's and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee's exits, the Republican field is looking a little scary-thin, as girls around my age like to say.

- Fortunately, former right-wing senator Rick Santorum is throwing his hat into the circus ring for the Republican presidential nod! I'm putting his name on my list of Republican sideshows who have no shot of winning the nomination right between Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. I call that a "Santorum sandwich." If you don't know what santorum means and you didn't click the link, I'll just define it for you: it's the frothy mixture of lube, semen, and fecal matter that results from anal sex. Other than that, the august senator is best known for comparing gay sex to bestiality.

Wisconsin Senate race

Democrat Herb Kohl, the four-term US Senator from Wisconsin, has announced that he is not seeking reelection. He is the 6th Democrat and 8th senator overall to announce his retirement ahead of the 2012 election cycle. This complicates things for Democrats' prospects of maintaining their Senate majority: of the 33 seats up for election, Democrats are defending 23 and the Republicans only need to defend 10. With open seats in 6 of the 23 Democrat-head seats, the decks are stacked pretty heavily against them. Republicans only need to pick up 4 seats to regain a majority, or even 3 if they win the presidential election, since the Vice President can cast tie-breaking votes in the event of a 50-50 split.

Some people are already whispering about a battle of titans between Wisconsin political heavyweights Congressman (and RILF) Paul Ryan and progressive hero Russ Feingold. Dreamboat Ryan, whom I recently profiled for his heartless wonkishness and exquisite bubble butt, is best known as the author of the Republican budget to gut Medicare and Medicaid benefits while lowering taxes for corporations and the rich. Russ Feingold was the former three-term US Senator from Wisconsin until his reelection defeat last year at the hands of a tea party imbecile whose name I will not utter here. As a senator, Feingold was most associated with the radical, socialist effort to keep corporate money out of politics.

The capstone of campaign finance reform, the McCain-Feingold Act, was of course ruled unconstitutional in last year's Citizens United case by a supposedly deferential, strict-constructionist Supreme Court. The Court ruled that since corporations are legal persons, they obviously have the right to free speech. And clearly, free speech means spending as much money as you want to influence an election. As such, corporations can spend as much money as they want to influence elections. Since leaving office, Russ Feingold founded an organization called Progressives United whose mission is to overturn the craven idiocy that is Citizens United. I hope they both run and Feingold fucks the shit out of Dreamboat Ryan's little virgin booty all the way to a Senate seat.

-Update-

I just got an email from Howard Dean's Democracy For America with a petition to draft Russ Feingold. Sign it here.

RILFs and RINOs

Anyone who knows me knows that the most important part of my life is my daily perusal of political porn. Last night, I was reading a particularly saucy piece on Politico about the townhall backlash against Rep. Paul Ryan's budget proposal when the tightness in my pants made me aware that the accompanying photo really showcased the House Budget chairman's best, uh, assets. Dreamboat Paul Ryan has already been noted for his youthful good looks and wonkish dedication to policy, but this is the first I've seen or heard of his tight ass.


And as exciting as it is for the politics junkie in me to catch a glimpse of the taut and supple amid the parade of wrinkled and grey, I'm noticing a disturbing trend: all the hot members of Congress are Republicans. Remember Republican Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts? If you didn't know that he was the successor to liberal icon Ted Kennedy, you might remember him as the senator who once posed nude for Cosmo. I may have been dismayed to see the conservative "dark horse" candidate come from behind to win Kennedy's old Senate seat, but if I had to admit defeat to anyone, it would be the dark stud coming at you from behind. The Tea Partiers who elected him are now calling him a RINO over his vote to keep funding Planned Parenthood, but to me, anyone to the right of Mary Landrieu is fascist, so he's squarely in the Republican camp in my book. If anything, he's a RILF.


I saved the Congressman that I'd most like to fuck, Rep. Aaron Schock (R-Illinois), for last.


With pecs and six-pack abs like that, one could almost overlook his medieval, virulently homophobic positions. Is his chest waxed?


Then there's this photo of Congressman Schock at a White House picnic, where the dress code probably demanded that he cover up that delicious torso of his in clothing. After this picture made the rounds in all the gay Hill staffers' inboxes, Aaron Schock took to twitter to proclaim, "Never thought a pic of me w/ my shirt on would go viral. Learned my lesson and burned the belt." Burn the cerulean belt? That's so dramatic! Why doesn't he just set himself on fire? That's the only sure way to get rid of the flamingo pink shirt, crisp white pants, and sculpted Adonis body too.