Florida's primary being as good as over

I'd stake out a space 100 leagues right of where Romney is on any issue imaginable if I were Newt Gingrich.

A couple ideas off the top of my head:

- Call on congressional Republicans to reject funding compromises for the payroll tax cut extension unless they include provisions expediting the Keystone XL pipeline
- Call for a constitutional life amendment (inalienable right to life begins at conception)
- Call for a constitutional death amendment (to clarify: states have an unalienable right to execute people whom due process has judged not to have rights to life)

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a drawn out primary!

And Newt and Mittens look like the two strongest candidates from here on out. And right now, both run campaigns by admonishment. Newt preaches work ethic and laments redistribution of happiness to hedonists:

“Happiness in the 18th century meant wisdom and virtue, not hedonism,” Gingrich says without a scintilla of embarrassment, even though he, himself, has pursued a fair amount of hedonism in his lifetime. “And they promised us the right to pursue,” Gingrich continues. “There is no provision for a Department of Happiness. They issued no happiness stamps. And if you said that you were going to take happiness from some and distribute it to others, the Founding Fathers would have asked by what right?”

While Mittens' is apparently pushing back against questions about his business history by appealing to the successful douchebag wing of the Republican party:

“The Republican Party doesn’t demonize prosperity," Romney declared. "We celebrate success in our party.”

Mitt Romney: Gambling Mormon

Things I would buy if I won a bet against Mitt Romney: Laser hair removal. Everywhere.

Dan Quayle Endorses Romney

So what? Do you care? I don't because I can't think of anyone who does and that's usually a good enough reason for me not to care. "Who's our best hope to take on President Obama? Mitt Romney," Quayle said to the cheers of about 200 people gathered in front of the Hermosa Inn. "I tell you one thing, folks. The Obama people, they believe he's the toughest competitor; they don't want to run against him. They'll take anyone but Mitt Romney. He is our best hope to change the direction of America." But a huge part of the Republican base rejects Obama as illegitimate, sinister, mentally deficient. The problem with instinctively disagreeing with Obama about anything you can possibly ascertain about his positions is that you just might nominate Santorum to spitefully demonstrate that you disagree with him on this matter, too!

Barney Frank

I was surprised when he announced that he would not stand for reelection next year. Put yourself in his position, though, and his decision makes a lot of sense. Being in the House minority blows and Democrats are unlikely to retake the chamber next year. And if - like most other senior congressman - Frank is concerned about his legacy, he can say he already left his mark with Dodd-Frank financial reform. And with the decennial redistricting taking place, the makeup of his district will change pretty dramatically.

I'm sad to see him go because Barney Frank is one of the most surprising characters in national politics. He's a gay man with a voice like Elmer Fudd but a tongue whose barbs are tipped with acid. In an electoral system where elected officials are expected to speak to voters in a tone somewhere between submissiveness and pleading, Barney Frank isn't afraid to deliver a verbal roundhouse kick to the face when the confronted by a clueless constituent. And in an age when Democrats let Republicans run roughshod over them, Barney Frank has always been an articulate, unapologetic champion of liberal values who never hesitates to tell you why you're wrong. Others might dismiss his abrasive manner as rude, but it takes courage to speak your convictions proudly in the face of opposition.

As soon as Romney clinches the nomination

I'm rededicating this blog to viciously savaging him and his perfect family.

Now Newt is in first place

What a bizarre Republican primary. The frontrunner is remarkable only for being in second place on any given month, behind the likes of Donald Trump (gag), Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Herman Cain (gag).